Darien's Journal
by Bobbin
Summary: Is he going crazy? A confused young man writes in his diary.


This is a first season story based on the anime Sailor Moon. This is my version to explain the psyche behind Darien and Tuxedo Mask, one of the greatest and most romantic (and least supported) of alter-ego fictional characters in animation. This is based on the American dubbed version. All honors to the creator, Naoko Takeuchi. I hope you enjoy this.  
  
Darien's Journal 1:  
  
For some strange reason, I feel that my life is just beginning, so I have decided to write this journal. It's not New Year's, or my birthday, or the start of the school term. Still, I feel that I have spent my life preparing for now.  
  
My first memories are of pain and loneliness. I was seven years old and in a hospital. My head was bandaged and they told me my parents were dead. Into that loneliness, two magical creatures came. One was a little boy whom I found in the night who was also sick and alone. But he was like no other boy. He was an elven child with green skin and pointed ears. No one else could see him, but he was my only friend and I was his.  
  
The other who came into my life at this time was a little girl. She was an angel of light and joy with curly gold hair and blue eyes full of a strange mixture of love, innocence and wisdom. She had heard me crying and came in to cheer me up. She started to hand me one of the red roses she had brought for her mother. As our hands touched and she looked at me, warmth filled me.  
  
The other boy left me and the rose was gone. Did I just dream him up to personify my loneliness? I was alone in the world, doubly orphaned. My parents hadn't any family either, nor close friends. Their world had been each other and myself. When I got out of the hospital, there was money from the insurance to provide for schooling and an orphanage and a trust fund for college. (Not that I knew or cared at the time.) Each of the kids there had their own way to cope: anger, resentment, eagerness. Mine was to be independent: I didn't have anyone- I didn't need anyone. I did have a personal fantasy. I still remembered the little girl, but gradually an image of a princess in white and gold, with long gold hair and blue eyes filled with love and sorrow replaced her. I felt she needed to be protected and only I would be her prince.  
  
I had to be the best for her. She would need someone strong and wise to be at her side, so I threw myself into my studies. I did well, learning quickly and easily math and science, literature and history. I read about King Arthur, Ivanhoe, Tristan, Superman, and other champions. I played chess and other games of strategy and tactics. I trained my body, too. Taking gymnastics, lifting weights, and jogging to increase my endurance. I even took fencing and karate lessons. Yeah, I would be the perfect hero.  
  
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I'm in high school now, time to get real. I'm studying hard to get into a good college. I think I will become a physician. I have made few good friends, mostly older guys who share the same interests and ambitions that I do. I enjoy fine music and walks in the Botanical Gardens. I know I'm good looking; tall and lean with thick, black hair and midnight blue eyes. Girls have been after me since middle school and I've dated quit a few, but they're a distraction- especially when they try to get serious. (And I still have dreams of a maiden in white and gold.)  
  
A year ago, I did some modeling jobs so I could get a motorcycle. The modeling gave me a sense of style and sophistication, but I didn't like the attention I received. It invaded my sense of privacy. I made some good contacts and now work a part-time technician job at the TV station. I still have a really sharp tuxedo complete with a cane, hat, and cape (like I'm ever going to use that again).  
  
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I dreamed of my princess again last night, but it was different this time. I felt that she was being threatened by an overwhelming darkness. A woman's voice called imploringly to me "Find the Silver Imperium Crystal." Weird, I think I'll try looking it up. I must have read about it somewhere. I was thinking about this while jogging this morning when a girl ran right into me. Murmuring, "I'm late, sorry", she disappeared in a swirl of blonde hair. What a klutz.  
  
Later, as I was walking along the street, a girl threw a piece of crumpled paper and hit me in the head. She bowed, stammering an apology. When I looked at the paper, I knew why she had thrown it - an "30" in math! Then she raised her face and I saw her: long golden hair in bon-bon pigtails, pert nose, and large sky-blue eyes. It was the girl from this morning. My heart started beating faster. How dare she resemble my vision! I knew I had to rag on the little ditz and I called her the most outrageous thing that came to mind: "Meatball head". She pulled herself up regally with anger dancing in her eyes. "My name is Serena!" she replied, snatched the paper and stomped away.  
  
She was a childish twit, and yet when our eyes met it was like a door opening to a life of love and courage and desperation. Then she was gone, leaving me feeling foolish. Forget it. I'm not a lonely kid anymore dreaming about being a knight in shining armor. And she was no princess.  
  
(First Battle)  
  
Man, am I tired this morning. It could be that dream I had last night, it seemed so real. I was wearing the whole tuxedo get-up complete with a white mask. I felt swift and strong and somehow invincible. I was standing on a high place overlooking a nightmarish scene. People were lying on the floor and over them stood a horrendous monster. Then a door opened and She came in: a slight form looking like a cross between a schoolgirl and Wonder Woman. "I am Sailor Moon, Champion of Justice" she cried. And then the monster attacked her. Why did I just stand there while she whimpered and dodged? I should be her champion. I had trained for it and she had no skills or weapons. But what did I have? Nothing except my cane and a red rose. It seemed my body had been taken over by another; one that knew that might had tried before and failed, and that that frail young woman had the power to destroy the evil. It was my job to defend her and encourage her to find the strength to fight. I would be her shield, but she was the sword. The monster had her cornered now. I did the only thing I could do; I threw the rose at it like a dagger, causing it to turn to me. I gave it a formal challenge (where did that stiff speech come from? It must have been all those old romance stories I read) I jumped down and engaged the monster with my cane, giving the girl a break. "Now, Sailor Moon!" I yelled. Nodding agreement, she raised her hand to her head, calling "Moon Tiara Magic!" she threw a spinning force of golden light at the monster, which broke up and disappeared. She looked at me with such hero worship. If this were a movie, now would be the time for 'kiss and make out', but my other self just gave her a word of encouragement and escaped. I knew that girl; there is a connection between us. Then I woke up. Talk about frustration. I didn't know I was that hard up. If you can't have freedom in your dreams, when can you?  
  
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(Weeks later) I keep on having these very vivid dreams about Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask. They are almost always the same: SM is fighting some perverted evil monster which has drained energy from innocent people, while I, TM watches. Just when it seems that She will be defeated, TM throws a rose and challenges it with some corny speech. There are some differences. Each battle is increasingly difficult and sometimes I go to rescue SM and fight the monster, using my cane like a spinning shield or a slashing rapier. (Jumping tall buildings in a single bound.) There are some other superhero girls involved, Sailor Scouts they call themselves, named for planets: Sailors Mercury and Mars. Each has her own special power and the spirit of a seasoned warrior. Yet, it is the childish and inexperienced Sailor Moon alone that has the power to destroy the evil beings and heal the people. There is also an arch-villain who controls the monsters and I would really like to kick his ass, but he always escapes. These battles take place in the weirdest places: a store, a gym, a school, and a carnival. (Was I really there? I seem to remember talking to Serena. If somebody has slipped me some drugs, it was there. I felt really sick later.)  
  
My alter ego is always chivalrous and leaves the Scouts with formal words of encouragement. I can hardly stand it. With three gorgeous girls in mini- skirts making goo-goo eyes at me; TM, wearing the modern man's suit of armor, goes away. I believe my dream heart belongs to the Princess. Like Lancelot, I worship pure and chaste from afar, and she sends me on my impossible quest: to find the Silver Imperium Crystal.  
  
I wake up trembling and with a terrible headache and with the compulsion to fulfill that quest. I have actually searched jewelry stores and gemology books looking for it. The scariest thing about it is that I am beginning to have blackouts and dream during the day. I don't think anyone has noticed yet, but I'm afraid. Maybe I've been studying too hard and need to distract myself with a real girl.  
  
It won't be Serena, though. That girl and I are always bumping (literally) into each other. When I jog, ride the bus, or hang out with Andrew at the arcade, it seems she and her friends are always around. They are a nice looking bunch, but Serena is a bit of a joke: clumsy and loud and always eating. It's sort of fascinating how open she is with her emotions, showing her anger or sorrow or joy. While I am cool and aloof, using my sophistication like a shield. I must admit I deliberately provoke her just to see her react. And she can give as good as she gets; her favorite name for me is "jerk". Guess I deserve it sometimes, but hey, it's the best fun I have now days. I think I'll date one of the others.  
  
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(Airport nightmare) Last night's dream was the worst so far. The Scouts had been challenged by the villain, Jadeite, to a showdown at the airport. He even started to chase them with jets. TM stopped that. Then I attacked him. A lot of good that did, he hit me with a force beam and I found myself falling over a wall into the bay. I thought that might be the end of the it and I would wake up, but TM pulled himself back out of the water just in time to see the girls working together to defeat Jadeite for good. They are admirable even if they are just dreams.  
  
(Terrors during the day) My headaches are even affecting my alter ego, TM. In broad daylight, I found myself watching SM fighting a new enemy on a tennis court. The balls of force being lobbed at her were so strong, they cracked the cement. She couldn't last much longer. TM jumped in and rolled her out of the way. (What a sweet armful!) My cape, like Superman's, protects us from the attacks. Sailor Mars shows up and distracts the demon so SM can dust it with her tiara. Then TM collapsed with pain.  
  
What is happening to me? Perhaps I should go see a doctor. Right, schizophrenia would look great on my college aps. Don't all guys daydream some? Usually about cars and girls. So, I have girls in my dreams. The rescue-fair-maidens-in-distress bit must be from all those novels I read. The Scout stuff must be from the Sailor V game at the arcade.  
  
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I took Raye on a date today. I didn't plan it, she fell down in front of me after karate club. I was supposed to meet one of the guys after karate, but then I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to ask her out. She's pretty with long black hair and a lively spirit. She knows karate too, so we have something in common. After we had a milkshake, we went for a row on the lake. We were having a nice conversation when, damn, I had one of my fits again. I held off the delusion until we reached shore, then Raye excused herself and left. I don't blame her. I had a nightmare where the nature went wild. Squirrels were vicious and trees were attacking the Sailor Scouts. TM did his rose thing in the nick of time, and SM defeated the monster.  
  
I came to myself in the woods by the lake. When I saw Raye, she acted like nothing had happened. Then we saw Serena and that little twerp Melvin bugging her. Raye and I have another thing in common, we both like to tease Serena. Yeah, I think I'll continue taking her out.  
  
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There are some things I really admire about Serena. She's always cheerful, she's a loyal friend, and she brings out the best in people; except me, she always makes me lose my cool. I saved her cat a few days ago and she rewarded me with a royal tongue-lashing.  
  
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(Mall rescue) I was in the back of the arcade when I heard Serena talking to Andrew. She was really ticked off about some guy who had sent letters to every girl in school asking to meet him at the mall after hours. She has some sense after all, she said she wasn't going to go. She did sound sort of hurt about it though. When she left, I asked Andrew about it and he showed me a note another girl had given him. (All the girls have a crush on him and confide in him.) When I saw it, I got angry and scared. It was signed "Tuxedo Mask". Either somebody has found out about my nightmares and is playing a practical joke, or. I made some comment to Andrew about it being an advertising stunt and got out of there.  
  
(Back home) Am I going mad? Did I do this in my delirium? I could have. I have the means. What am I going to do? I won't go out tonight. I need to study anyway. NO!! No, not again! My head..  
  
I was TM again, I'm at the mall, and SM was facing off against another villain, Nephlite. He reminds me of someone. He called down this lion made of stars to attack SM. She was so rattled, she missed her tiara throw. I threw a rose, distracting it and attacked with my cane. "It is too strong. Run!" I yelled to Sailor Moon, and I follow her. We ran into the elevator, and the door closed right in the lion's face. This could have been a romantic situation. She's so grateful. I could see it in her eyes, but we were not safe yet. Nephlite called to us, telling us we're in a trap. The elevator was going to crash from the top floor. Seeking escape, I helped SM climb out on top of the elevator. We were near the top. We had to try to jump and catch hold of something and climb out.  
  
We jumped and managed to catch hold to the ledge of the door just as the elevator crashed below us, but SM couldn't hold on. She slipped and I caught her. I had her climb onto my back, I tried to pull us both up. I try several times, but I just can't do it. If I let go, would I have died of a heart attack or just wake up? I couldn't give up. I had got to hold on. Sailor Moon talked to me, thanking me and asking why TM always comes to her rescue. As I replied, I realized it's true; I feel when she is in danger and I must be by her side. With a soft voice in my ear, Sailor Moon confessed she has a crush on me and was sorry for getting us into this mess. My girl, it was I who failed, like I failed long ago. I told her how I felt we had known each other before and I do care for her and that I hoped we would find the truth about who we were. I heard her start to cry. I couldn't hold on much longer. Just then, the door above us opened and Sailor Mars and Mercury pulled us up. They tried to lighten the mood with some jokes, but the experience had been too much. I held Sailor Moon in my arms and just let her cry it out. I can tell she is still a young girl and she has to face so much.  
  
I woke up this morning back in my apartment. I must act out some of my dreams because my shoulders are sore like I did a thousand pull-ups. There is one strange thing: there is a news report that an elevator crashed at the mall during the night.  
  
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I have continued taking Raye out. It's sort of relaxing being with her. She's too young to get serious about and she can be quiet and calming. She's so busy with her friends and that club of theirs that she frequently excuses herself and I'm alone when I get those blinding headaches.  
  
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(The Embassy Ball) I heard on the news about a Princess Dia from another country coming to the city and hosting a masquerade ball to display an Imperial Crystal. Sounds intriguing, I've got to check it out..I managed to get a ticket to the ball through my contacts at the station. Now to dust off that tuxedo.  
  
Last night turned out to be another adventure in the twilight zone for me. It started out all right. I arrived fashionably late to the ball, but before the Princess came out with the crystal. I noticed this slender young lady in a white gown trimmed with roses standing alone. She reminded me of my dream princess so much, I asked her to dance with me. I figured I might as well get some action in while waiting to investigate this crystal. When I took her in my arms to dance, wow, was there a connection! It felt so right, like we had danced this way before. "The arms remember where the eyes forget." Where was that from? Oh yeah, the movie "Hero". I looked up and saw this other guy watching the dance. I've met him before- he's that rich Maxfield Stanton. He gives me bad vibes. Just then, I felt the familiar disembodiment as the Tuxedo Mask persona took over. I didn't fight it this time, and for once didn't feel like I'd been hit over the head with a baseball bat. As TM, I feel like James Bond, pumped and ready for anything. With a shock of anger, TM recognizes that smug dude as Nephlite! There was a commotion heading our way and I heard someone shouting, "Stop her!"  
  
A girl is running toward us, carrying a locked box. She looks like she's going to throw it to Nephlite and TM moves to intercept it. I am surprised when the young woman I had been dancing with jumps forward, knocking the box out of the girl's hands. The two struggle and then the girl pushes my lady over the balcony. I leap and barely grasped her out-stretched arm. I hold her hanging 20 feet above the pavement. She looked up at me with fear and determination. (TM, where is your super-strength now?) Suddenly, Sailor Mars and Sailor Mercury are below. "Catch her!" I cry as she slips from my gloved hand.  
  
I saw that she was safe, then turned back to the ballroom. I need to keep Nephlite from getting the Imperial Crystal. Above the fallen girl, a demon of darkness is rising. It starts to consume the energy from the crowd. A bright voice rings out "In the name of the Moon, I will punish you!" Amazingly, Sailor Moon and the other Scouts are there to fight it. I lose Nephlite in the fog of Mercury's attack.  
  
When the demon is defeated and the girl healed, we discover that she is the Princess Dia. The Scouts wonder if she is the moon Princess they also seek. But alas no, she is just a scared young girl with a gaudy diamond knick- knack. After the crystal is revealed, I look for the lady whom I had danced with. I see her drinking some wine near the window. The evening's experience appears to have been too much for her for she starts to faint as I approach her from behind. (Thank TM's suavity to overcome a seventeen year-olds' uncertainties.) I caught her up and took her to the balcony for some air. It feels so right to hold her, like I've known her before in another life. She opened her eyes and looked at me with such trust, like she felt the same way. Slowly, gently, I kissed her. Then she raised her hand as if to remove my mask. TM stood up and silently leapt over the balcony wall.  
  
I came fully to myself blocks away from the ball. Was she the Princess from my dreams, my mysterious lady? . Who am I? .Mercury asked TM tonight why I was after the crystal. "I need it to remember who I am." TM replied. "You are a friend of the Sailor Scouts," she said. "I don't know that." I answered. Beyond Darien, beyond Tuxedo Mask, I am someone else and I will remember when I retrieve the crystal and meet my Princess again. What was real and what was the dream? At least this time, I got to kiss the girl.  
  
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I've finally had it with these headaches. I went to a doctor and he diagnosed me of having migraines. I have some medicine that really knocks me out, no nightmares.or dreams. I have a life to live and finals are coming up.  
  
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Serena surprised me today. She is really concerned about her friend Molly and came and asked for some advice from Andrew and I. It seems Molly has gotten involved with an older guy that Serena knows is bad news. When I told her she should tell Molly about him, she actually listened (even though I had already teased her again about her hair). She got me back by making me pay for her lunch. How can such a skinny girl eat so much?  
  
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I woke up again after having another dream about the Princess. It was the most vivid one I've had so far. She called me Tuxedo Mask and told me there are evil forces gathering. Then she implored me to find the crystal and set her free. If only I could, then maybe I could set myself free of this compulsion.  
  
Nephlite is gone, killed by Zoisite, another lord of the Negaverse. Jadeite, Nephlite, Zoisite, crystals, do I have rocks in my brain? At least, I passed the semester finals.  
  
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All right, I accept it. I am Tuxedo Mask. I'm wide-awake and am holding the piece of Rainbow Crystal I got from Zoisite. And if I'm TM, that means there is a real girl out there who is Sailor Moon. I wonder if she has been going through the same nightmares that I have, poor girl. Who is she? It must be the girl from the ball.  
  
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It was a long day today. It started when I passed an art show downtown. There was a picture there that reminded me of my dream princess. As I was leaving, a young woman introduced herself as a local artist and asked me to pose for her. To make matters worse, Serena came out and she asked her to come, too. Imagine Serena and me together. There is something about that girl that gets under my skin and irritates like hell, and I get the feeling it's mutual. Not that she isn't a looker- when she isn't falling on her face or stuffing it. The artist turned out to be Loni Linnae, the one who had the exhibition. Her real name is Peggy. Despite her talent, she's insecure about people liking her real self. When she showed us the completed sketch, I nearly choked. It was a picture of a princess giving a prince a star locket and I remembered it! I left as soon as I could. I had some thinking to do.  
  
I hadn't been gone long, when I felt that Sailor Moon needed help. Zoisite had gotten another Rainbow Crystal from Peggy and resurrected the shadow warrior. TM got there just in time to rescue SM, then went after Zoisite. Zoisite is a formidable fighter, and managed to get the crystal before Sailor Moon banished her with her tiara. SM showed me a star locket like the one in the picture, and said I had dropped it after the last battle. I told her she could keep it and then she asked for the crystal. I had to refuse her. My only goal is to collect those crystals, even the one the Scouts have. To keep the Negaverse from winning, that's why I help the Sailor Scouts.  
  
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Poor Andrew, the one girl he really cares about, Rita, is going away for two years, and the other girls are hanging around like vampires. I'm glad I don't have that kind of trouble. I tried to discourage them and Serena and I had another one of our spats.  
  
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Score three for Zoisite. She tricked me this time, I'll be ready for her next time. There is a new scout, Sailor Jupiter. Her powers are the strongest of the scouts. But without Sailor Moon's new healing wand, the victims of the Negaverse would be lost. She is beginning to show a lot of guts in fighting to protect the innocent.  
  
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Score four for Zoisite, one for me, and one for the Scouts. You've got to do better, TM.. I have to get the seventh Rainbow Crystal. I can't let the Negaverse get it!  
  
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I'm going to stop dating Raye. I don't need the distraction now that I know it's real with TM fighting evil and collecting the crystals. It's getting dangerous, and I don't want her to be hurt. Besides, my heart belongs to someone else.  
  
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Yes! Got it! Now I have the other four from Zoisite. I'll have to wait for the Negaverse to make a move. I've gone to some society events looking for that girl, but I haven't found her. The way Sailor Moon shows up all the time, she has to live somewhere in the city.  
  
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I knew Zoisite wouldn't wait long. She went for Molly in broad daylight and got the crystal from Sailor Moon. What is their connection? I almost know. She fought well against the demon, but now there are five crystals to get back. I swear the Silver Imperium Crystal will be mine.  
  
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There are news reports of Sailor Moon fighting street crime. I even saw her rescue someone. This is not the Sailor Moon I know. I fear a trap.---------- ------  
  
Zoisite nailed me tonight. I could feel that Sailor Moon and the Scouts were in danger, and when I came to help them, I fell for her trap. It appeared that Sailor Moon had been caught and was hanging from a crane. I went to rescue her, but it was Zoisite and she stabbed my shoulder. We fought some more and my mask came off. Zoisite almost had me then, but a force-beam (from where?) caught her hand, and I was able to get away. That's when I found out that another Negaverse general had the Scouts trapped in a force-dome. Zoisite called to me, saying I could ransom them with the Rainbow Crystals. What choice did I have?  
  
Fortunately for us all, a new sailor scout showed up- Sailor Venus. She broke the power-dome and set the other scouts free. Perhaps she is the Moon Princess they've been looking for, but it doesn't matter to me. I won't deny it any longer, I love Sailor Moon. My princess is just a dream from the past. Sailor Moon is here. I've held her, fought by her side, and encouraged her as she has grown in confidence and power. I would do anything for her, even give up the crystals. I wish I knew who she really is.  
  
I think there's poison in my wound. It won't stop bleeding. For the first time, I haven't healed while transforming back. I never fully appreciated that before.  
  
Zoisite knows who I am. She showed up at my apartment and challenged me to a dual, winner take all. I have no other choice. I leave now for a final confrontation with Zoisite. I pray that when I transform, I will have the strength to succeed in my mission for this time, I will fight alone.  
  
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Thanks, Darien, for your insight into the Sailor Scouts and your friends. You fool, it isn't who you are, it's what you know and what you do with it. I will use Sailor Moon's feelings for TM (as you call him) to gain the Silver Imperium Crystal.  
  
This is the only place where Malachite doesn't have his spies on me. I must foil his clumsy traps for Sailor Moon. She is mine! Each time I interfere with his plans, I cause her to be more confused. When the time comes, she will not fight me. It is my duty to retrieve the Crystal for Queen Beryl.  
  
D., Prince of the Negaverse  
  
Dear Prince,  
  
The Sailor Scouts have had their memories restored, so I now return this book to you, both the good and bad, from the mists of time. You will be needed whole and you need to know what trials the Princess has already suffered. S.P.  
  
  
  
(Questions) I woke up in the hospital again. The doctors said I had been in another accident. They found me in that damn tuxedo and had to cut it off. Where have I been? The last few weeks are a blur. I seem to remember a horrible nightmare and feeling cold as death. No! I don't want to think about it. It couldn't have been real. Maybe somebody slipped me some bad stuff.  
  
I hate hospitals, I always have. The smell of antiseptic; the cold lights that are always on; the noises: clacking, beeping, footsteps in the hall; the needles in my arms, one giving access to test my blood, the other tethered to an I.V. restricting my movement; the exposure to strangers prodding my body, probing my mind; the loneliness. They asked me whom they could contact for me and I couldn't think of anyone but Andrew. Wasn't there a girlfriend? Blonde hair? Or was it black? Not red, red is nightmare.  
  
Andrew came to see me. At first he seemed really put out, he said I hadn't talked to him in weeks and wanted to know why. I can't remember. I can see the shock and concern in his face when he sees how sick I am. I must look like hell. My arms are thin and pale in the short-sleeved hospital gown. What happened to my tan? I asked him to go by my place and bring me my glasses and something to read. I have to get my mind off of this place. When he returns, bringing me some schoolwork, he has forgiven me. He says it looks like I've been sick for a while. What does he mean by that, I ask myself fretfully?  
  
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A girl came into my room just now. She's one of those volunteers that visit patients. She had long, blonde hair done up in bon-bon pigtails and large blue eyes. She sat by my bed and took my hand in hers. Suddenly, the darkness of the past doesn't bother me and I'm warm again. I'm alive! "Has anyone ever told you your hair looks like meatballs?" I asked teasingly.  
  
"What!!" she retorted, "I come in here to cheer you up and you insult me!" Then she stamped out of the room. I don't mind. I have a funny feeling I'm going to see that little spitfire again.  
  
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They- the doctors, councilors, even police, ask me questions I have no answers for: where have I been, who I'd been with, who attacked me? (Attacked? I thought I had been found in a building that had a gas leak explosion.) One of my injuries was partially healed, but infected. They attribute my lack of memory to fever. There is evidence that some of my other injuries could have come from a fight: skin under my nails, strands of fair hair on my suit. I seem to recall arguing with a man with long white hair, that is all.  
  
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She came back to visit me, the girl with the funny hair, bringing a book: Lawrence of Arabia. She said I shouldn't strain my brain doing schoolwork all the time. How did she know? I asked her to take me to the atrium; I need a change of scenery. With the nurse's permission, she did, banging the wheelchair into the wall a few times and getting lost once, keeping up a light chatter all the way. I don't have the energy to respond much, but I welcome it like sunshine after a gloomy day. The next day she comes, she brings a potted miniature rosebush. She has noticed my room is bare of cards or flowers that most patients have. The scent cuts the smell of the antiseptic and reminds me of something. someone. it eludes me. Andrew comes, bringing me a car magazine, gossip from the arcade, and more assignments. God, how did I get so far behind? He raises an eyebrow at the rosebush and asks who my admirer is. He raises both eyebrows when I ask if I have a girlfriend. He replies that I was between relationships as far as he knew. I see the girl one more time before I leave the hospital. She says I'm too skinny and has brought me some chocolate cupcakes. I notice her eyeing them greedily, I laugh and ask her to share for I want the company.  
  
I heal quickly. Those three words do not convey the magnitude of the gift I have been given. I read the doctor's report on my condition when I was admitted: massive hemorrhaging, lacerations, burns, extreme hypothermia, septicemia, punctured lung, possible spinal cord damage; 20% chance of survival. They expected at best pneumonia, partial paralysis, a long hospital stay and even longer therapy. Instead, I was in ICU for three days, walked out of the hospital a week later and resumed normal activity after another month. There isn't even much scarring. "The recuperative powers of youth and a strong body", they said, shaking their heads in disbelief. But I felt when I slept, the rhythm of ocean waves in my heartbeat, cleaning the poisons from my blood. Awake, I spent as much time in the atrium, feeling strength and renewal coming from the plants growing around me; the scent of the earth and flowers energizing me. I feel a connection to the Earth- it gives me strength. Who, what, am I?  
  
When I got back to my place, I see why Andrew said it looked like I had been sick. He knows I'm a near fanatic about keeping the apartment clean. As I opened the door, I noticed a musty odor of decay. There are dirty dishes in the sink and empty food cartons on the counter. There is laundry dropped on the floor, some garish shirts I don't recognize, stained with blood: as are the sheets on my bed and some bandages in the trash. Wearily, I started to clean up. I wish I had someone to help me. 


End file.
